How to Conquer Your Love Saboteurs - Part 1

Love Saboteurs  - they’re those patterns of thinking - those  little voices in your head - that negatively affect how you feel about yourself and how you show up to your romantic relationships and dating. They hijack your mind and f*ck with your sense of reality. They try to convince you of things that aren’t true. They’re exaggerating drama queens who mean well because they think they’re protecting you from getting hurt again. 

We all house these saboteurs in our minds. To an extent, they are always going to be there, like an app sitting on your desktop or homescreen. Usually,  they’re borne out of trauma and past hurtful experiences. And like most apps, these protectors were never meant to be open and running all the time, though. That will only drain your battery and damage your lovelife. 

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be breaking down each of the saboteurs so you can identify which ones may be jeopardizing your relationship. Awareness shows us where we need to take control which leads to action which leads to CHANGE. And change gets us the things we want. In this case it’s epic love and relationships that thrive. 

Let’s take a look at the first Love Saboteur: Catastrophizing. 

…or as I like to think of it: A Really Shitty Crystal Ball 

It’s when you’re convinced that the worst case scenario is going to happen. It’s a doom-and-gloom form of jumping to conclusions from small events. It’s thinking you are going to die of a terminal illness when actually you’ve just caught a harmless cold. 

Here are some examples of what  catastrophizing can sound like in your love life:

❤️ “He didn’t send a good morning text so he must be losing interest in me.”

❤️”He can’t go on this weekend trip with me and that means we will never live a life of spontaneity or adventure.”

❤️“He was late meeting me for our weekly date-night…he doesn’t love me or care about me.”

❤️ “I haven’t gotten any likes this week on my dating profile. I’m going to be alone forever and never find my person.”

❤️”My birthday  present wasn’t what I’d hoped for - my partner doesn’t love me or get me.”

❤️”If I don’t do or say the right thing, or if I let them down, my partner will leave me.”

If any of these sound familiar - I get it. I’ve been there and I help my clients conquer their Love Saboteurs every day.

Over time, these patterns of thinking can erode your relationship or negatively impact the types of people you attract in your dating life. 

Here’s what to try instead: 

PAUSE

BREATHE LIKE A NAVY SEAL

INQUIRE

MEET YOUR NEED

If you think you might be catastrophizing, first it’s important to pause. Pausing gives us space from the trigger. When we have space we have freedom to choose a different action. Next, take a deep breath and exhale through thinly-pursed lips. This is a Navy SEAL technique used to regulate the nervous system. This will help flush out some of those stress hormones coursing through your body when you’re triggered into catastrophizing. Then, take a moment to reflect on the trigger and get curious about it by asking yourself the following questions: What was it I was just believing in that moment? Why did I make that assumption? Do I have objective evidence to support my assumption? Is there another explanation that feels at least as true as the catastrophic thought but is a little more balanced and less scary? What would I tell or how would I encourage a friend in this situation? What are the opportunities here? What do I need now (Connection? Reassurance? Consistency? Peace/Calm/Soothing?)? 

Once you’ve identified what it is you need, make your best effort to meet your need. If you’re partnered, include your partner in the mix.

Below is an example of what this might look like from soup to nuts with a trigger:

Scenario: Your partner is late to your date. You quickly jump to conclusions and think the worst like, “He doesn’t value my time. He doesn’t care about me/us. I am not a priority to him. He probably doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. Why was he late anyway? Ohmygod, was he with another woman? Was it someone at work? Omg, he’s cheating on me with someone at work!”

STEP 1: Stop/Pause (wherever you are in the thinking, just pause)

STEP 2: Take a deep breath and exhale through thinly-pursed lips to regulate your nervous system.

Take several more deep breaths and exhale the same way until you feel a tiny bit better. 

STEP 3: Start the inquiry by answering the following questions

What was it I was just believing in that moment? That he was cheating on me and/or doesn’t value our time together and wants to leave me

Why did I make that assumption? Because he is late to our date

Do I have objective evidence to support my assumption that he doesn’t value our time or is cheating on me? No…I guess not. I don’t have objective evidence. It’s all speculation. It’s all my fears if I’m being honest. I’m so scared of being abandoned. He’s not usually late and if he is, he texts me.

Is there another explanation that feels at least as true as the catastrophic thought but is a little more balanced and less scary? Hmm…okay, another explanation could be that he got stuck at work and just decided to head this way instead of trying to explain via text. He knows I hate when he texts and drives. And he’s probably just afraid of disappointing me and starting a fight over text. Even though that’s annoying and he could’ve just given me a heads-up, that’s a better explanation than he’s cheating on me or doesn’t care. 

What would I tell or how would I encourage a friend in this situation? I would tell her that it’s totally valid to feel frustrated that he’s late. I would reassure her that there’s probably a reasonable explanation and remind her that he really loves her. I’d give her a hug and take a deep breath with her. 

What are the opportunities here? To ground myself/regulate my nervous system. To communicate/use my voice. To notice if this is a pattern for me…

What do I need now (Connection? Reassurance? Consistency? Peace/Calm/Soothing?)? I need reassurance and connection. 

STEP 4: MEET YOUR NEED

If you feel you still need reassurance after the inquiry, you could reach out to a friend and share the scenario for a reality-check. If you’re feeling pretty centered again after the inquiry and don’t feel like it makes sense to share with your partner after you’ve examined all the evidence, then focus on your partner. Practice breathing and staying present, and focus on the connection you need with him. If it’s affection, ask for a long lingering hug and stay holding hands across the table. If it’s humor or levity,  share a laugh or a funny story from your day. Or ask him to share one.

If you need reassurance from your partner, that is totally okay. Your needs are always okay and never wrong or bad. In this scenario you could say something to your partner like, “I’m so glad you’re here now. I am really looking forward to tonight and our date nights on the whole are so important to me. I love you and I know you probably did your best to get here on time, but I admit I did feel a little disappointed that you were late. I want to be able to focus on having a great time tonight and one thing that would help AND feel really amazing is this: Could you reassure me that you look forward to 1:1 time with me, too? 

That takes some guts and some vulnerability, but that’s how we build deeper intimacy. And it’s also a self-esteem builder to do the brave thing and ask for what you need directly. 

Take some time to review your romantic life - do you tend to jump to the worst possible conclusions? Is it time to toss out your Shitty Crystal Ball and replace it with some inquiry and self-compassion?