How to Conquer Your Love Saboteurs: Part 2
Last week I wrote about the Love Saboteur of Catastrophizing which is when we assume worst case scenario to explain someone’s behavior.
This week’s Saboteur is Black and White Thinking or thinking in absolutes
Do you tend to think in absolutes when it comes to your love life? Are things either right or wrong or good or bad or for you/not for you?
The absolute thinker needs perfection. They need zero chance of pain so they split their views into extremes. They are desperate for certainty.
Black and white thinking in romantic relationships can sound like:
💭When you ask someone out and they don’t respond and you think, “I'm a total loser with nothing to offer ... No one wants to go out with me ... I will never find the right person, so why bother?”
💭”My partner NEVER helps around the house. She ALWAYS leaves it up to me. I always have to do everything alone.”
💭 After a fight with your partner you think, ”They hate me. I’m damaged. I’m too broken to be in relationships. I wasn’t cut out for them so I shouldn’t even try.”
💭”This date didn’t go well. I’m a total loser and I have nothing to offer.”
💭”Online dating hasn’t garnered me very good results/matches so far, so it’s not for me. I’m canceling my subscription”
When we think in absolutes we can't see the alternatives in a situation or solutions to a problem. We create a false dilemma of only having a limited number of choices. This experience of having limited choices intensifies emotions. If every interaction or conversation is a referendum on whether you’re loved/unloved or a success/failure then the stakes are impossibly high - and that causes a ton of tension and conflict in relationships.
Certain situations do certainly call for definitive decisions, the world generally doesn’t work in such a “one or the other” way.
Over time, black and white thinking reinforces recurring automatic negative thoughts which then become core beliefs. The thought “I can’t do anything right” becomes “the belief I am worthless.” That core belief then becomes a filter for all of your thoughts and experiences taking a toll on your relationship and your emotional health
Below are some tips on how to address black and white thinking in your relationship:
Remove “always” or “never” from your vocabulary. Nothing is always or never true. This kind of thinking keeps your brain gridlocked and unable to make any progress in seeing a situation any differently. You can replace with "sometimes" or "often" or "I noticed a tendency to..."
Separate the behavior from the person - this includes you, too! If someone makes a mistake they’re not a bad person. If you disappoint someone, you are not a disappointMENT. If you fail at a task that doesn’t make you a failure as a person.
Reframe your thoughts with this rule of Dialectical Thinking: Two things can be very different or seemingly in conflict with one another, yet can still both have a grain of truth.
Examples of Dialectical Thinking:
I’m mad at my boyfriend, and I still care about him.
I am disappointed by the situation, and I accept it how it is.
I am doing the best I can and I need to try harder
I am capable and I need support
What happened wasn’t okay and i can learn from it and move forward
There is a comfort in a rigid way of thinking. It provides a framework for how we see the world. But remember that it is false and fleeting comfort and keeps us from real connection. Try the reframes mentioned above and let me know how they’re working for you.
