The (Power) Struggle is Real
Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a power struggle with your significant other? A power struggle usually takes the form of those cyclical arguments that go nowhere and they’re actually a normal part of the relationship growth process.
The power struggle stage follows the honeymoon or romance stage when your respective personality and lifestyle differences really start to shine through because they’re not shrouded in the halcyon haze of new love.
Basically sh*t starts to get real.
Who is right about how to do the dishes? What is the best way to manage money? How frequently do you see your in-laws or friends? What are the best places to go on vacation? Additionally, the things that you first loved about the person become the very thing that makes you feel abandoned by them (his love for music and participation in 3 different bands, her drive at work and motivation to move up the ranks in her career, his gregarious life of the party vibe, her quiet introspective nature…)
Every couple experiences this and if you’re there now, it’s completely normal. There are 3 types of power struggle patterns marriage/relationships - do any of these look familiar to you?
Pattern #1 “I want to save our connection” -
This is where one person pursues the other partner in an effort to solve the problem right away so they can soothe their anxiety. If this sounds like you, then you probably also think, “if we don’t solve this right away we will never solve it!” Your partner probably responds by pulling away (distancing) because they’re afraid the convo will become negative and harm the relationship. Both people’s behavior devolves the relationship, but it IS in an effort to save it. What is it they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?
Pattern #2: “Your fear brings up my shame” -
This type of power struggle occurs when one partner has a feeling (usually fear) and the other partner responds with shame because they couldn’t prevent the feeling. E.g. You say “I’m feeling stressed/worried about finances,” and that sparks shame in your partner because they think, “I should be making more money - this is my fault” so they want to hide/withdraw. You, then probably amplify your feelings of worry/stress in order to be heard and your partner hears it as criticism or contempt and then we are off to the races.
Pattern # 3: “I want to punish you”
This is a toxic version of pattern #1 where the underlying motivation is to punish rather than save. This looks like one person pursuing the other with contempt, ultimatums, or threats and the other person ices them out in order to punish. This pattern usually arises as a response to having been locked for some time into the two power struggle patterns mentioned above OR as a response to a painful, regrettable incident in the relationship
So how is it that you move from the power struggle stage to the stability stage? In order to get out of a power struggle, you need to
1. Communicate in a way that shares your heart and avoids rubbing your partner’s raw spots
2. Safely connect in a way that makes you feel close
3. Learn how to end recurring conflict so you’re not repeating those destructive patterns
4. Restore trust and heal past wounds
5. Practice radical acceptance of your differences. Your partner is not always going to be how you want them to be - AND THAT’S OKAY! It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be together. Learning to embrace your differences so you can both be your authentic selves will take your relationship into the next stratosphere
I created my therapy and coaching service to help women over 35 have healthy relationships. If you want to bring your relationship into a stage that’s even better than when you were in the honeymoon/romance phase, consider booking 1:1 work with me. Let’s transform your relationship starting today. To book a free consultation, click here and for more great content on all things love, follow me on IG: @hemispheres_counseling
